The Job Search Chronicles

Hi. My name is Anne and I’m looking for work. I haven’t had a job that utilized either of my two science-y bachelors degrees in 15 years. I’m uncertain as to whether or not I want to use them in my next paid position. I’m ambivalent about working full-time versus part-time. And if you ask me about salary expectations, I will likely fall into a catatonic state. Professional references? Did I mention I haven’t worked in 15 years?

I’ve had some meaningful and educational volunteer work along the way, but truthfully, the only thing I’ve ‘leaned in’ to in recent years is the washing machine. So I could move the wet clothes to the dryer.

I like rescue dogs, coffee, books, food, wine, piña coladas and walking home in the rain.

What I’m telling you here, is that I am UNIQUELY QUALIFIED to be your next employee. It’s possible I forgot to list scathing, self-deprecating sarcasm under the special skills section on my C.V.

This process, y’all.

The last time I really went through it was the summer of 2000 when Chris and I had relocated to the Twin Cities. I was applying for laboratory technologist positions, and doing it by sending actual hard copy resumés and cover letters. And using fancy-ass paper to boot! And despite the fact that I was sending all that paper IN THE MAIL (I know, who can believe that shit?), it really felt like my phone started ringing the minute I dropped all that fancy paper into the mailbox. COME INTERVIEW TODAY. And I frequently did. I was offered an interview for every position I applied to. And I went and did something like five of them. And they all offered me positions on the spot. Because I was a truly exceptional candidate. Or it might have been because there was crazy shortage of clinical lab scientists at the time and organizations were desperate for labor. But probably it’s because I was an exceptional candidate.

What I’m doing now bears oh so little resemblance to that experience. In a good way, I think, but holy hatboxes, there has been a learning curve.

LinkedIn. Indeed. ZipRecruiter. Good golly. Also, I’ve somehow ended up working with two recruiters. Which is just super fucking weird. One has actually been very helpful. The other has made me want to change my phone number. QUIT CALLING ME, CHAD. Seriously, his name is Chad. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but QUIT CALLING ME, CHAD.

Chad did get me to my second interview yesterday, which was for an entry-level position at a lab where they perform thousands of drug screens everyday. When I say ‘entry-level,’ I mean no degree needed, and having two degrees? Definitely overkill. But I wanted to apply for at least some jobs I knew I would get an offer for. So I ignored all the warning signs (ZipRecruiter headline didn’t match the job, annoying Chad based in Oklahoma, a commute entirely too long for the pay scale of the job) and interviewed with Becky. Interview went swimmingly, Becky was very friendly as she showed me the sad break room that smelled of spaghetti and desolation at 10:30am and the specimen handlers staring blankly into space as they assigned the required 65 accession numbers per hour.

Less than an hour after leaving the building, Chad was at it again. Texting, calling, asking me to get in touch. I’M DRIVING, CHAD. To my next interview, no less. Eventually I got a text, complete with a smiley emoji, from him saying I’d received an offer. When I finally had a minute to talk to him on the phone, he told me I had until 4pm to accept the offer.

I’m gonna have to give this one a hard pass, Chad. Thanks for your help.

Am I being too hard on Chad? Definitely. Do I care? Definitely not. Worth noting, an hour after I talked to Chad and turned down the offer, I got a call from another rep at the same agency telling me I was a perfect fit for the job I’d just interviewed and received an offer for. I don’t remember his name, but I’m gonna call him Steve. I JUST INTERVIEWED AT THAT PLACE, STEVE. GO TALK TO CHAD.

Oh, and Glassdoor. Can I talk about Glassdoor?? It goes something like this: Find a job you’re moderately excited about, apply, get an interview, look up the company on glass door to find out the company owner is a mob boss. The work environment is toxic. I saw and experienced sexual harassment on a repeated basement. Alllllllllrighty then. Still learning what to make of Glassdoor.

Still being early in this process, I have plenty of other tales I could tell. It has mostly been good. Thanks to some quality help with my resumé from lots of smart people, I’ve been able to generate interest from a variety of career sectors. I’m grateful to be in a position where I can take time and be somewhat picky and really, really should not complain. But who wants to read that noise?? If you’re looking for that, you’re reading the wrong blog. But, still, you should totally hire me.

My candidates won. I got a shitty job offer for a position I don’t want. Not a terrible day.