Failure to Launch

It’s a shoulda just used the iPhone camera dark dog pic kind of a day.  I’m still trying to relearn how to use my camera.

Minnesota is dark and dreary today.  I think it’s because Mike Pence came to town and wouldn’t wear a face mask, but I can’t prove that scientifically.  Just a hunch.

I started a job in January, worked through the initial phase of the shelter in place order because I was deemed essential (something I’d still argue, but in hindsight I’m glad I had the distraction), and was scheduled to be done after April 15, but for a couple days of clean up after tax day.

None of this is new information, but I’m laying some groundwork here.  Bear with me.

Motivation to be productive at home has always been a struggle for me, but that reality didn’t stop me from having a completely unrealistic view of what my daily routine would look like when I stopped working every day.  Oh the projects I had in mind!  My house was gonna sparkle, y’all. And, oh how I was going to enjoy being home alone during the day for a few months before school ended for the summer.

Nothing is working out as planned.  We’re all here, all the time.  And really, all things considered, it’s going very well.  But the transition from working 40 hours a week to being home with the whole blam dam family has been a struggle for me.  Honestly, it most likely would’ve been a struggle even if things had gone as planned and I was here alone.

So, it’s perhaps quarantine related, or more likely would’ve been utterly predictable sans COVID-19; but I cannot for the life of me get myself into any sort of routine.  Those projects I had in mind are all still waiting for me, and there’s nothing stopping me from tackling them; but I cannot seem to get going.  Napping and reading.  Those are the only things I’m accomplishing consistently.

I suppose this all reeks of a depressive episode.  Or perhaps it’s grief, as I’ve seen headlines telling me it certainly could be.  I have no idea.  These days feel nowhere near as heavy as those of Winter 2018-2019 did.  And yet, I’m tired and utterly unproductive.  And having trouble giving a shit about either of those conditions.

Like pretty much all the others, there is no point to this post.  I am, ultimately, fine.  Perhaps lazy is the term I’ve avoiding.  I dunno.  But I’m scheduled to go to the office tomorrow, and could not possibly be more grateful to not have to feel cruddy about not cleaning a closet.

Be Well, Friends.