Failure to Launch

It’s a shoulda just used the iPhone camera dark dog pic kind of a day.  I’m still trying to relearn how to use my camera.

Minnesota is dark and dreary today.  I think it’s because Mike Pence came to town and wouldn’t wear a face mask, but I can’t prove that scientifically.  Just a hunch.

I started a job in January, worked through the initial phase of the shelter in place order because I was deemed essential (something I’d still argue, but in hindsight I’m glad I had the distraction), and was scheduled to be done after April 15, but for a couple days of clean up after tax day.

None of this is new information, but I’m laying some groundwork here.  Bear with me.

Motivation to be productive at home has always been a struggle for me, but that reality didn’t stop me from having a completely unrealistic view of what my daily routine would look like when I stopped working every day.  Oh the projects I had in mind!  My house was gonna sparkle, y’all. And, oh how I was going to enjoy being home alone during the day for a few months before school ended for the summer.

Nothing is working out as planned.  We’re all here, all the time.  And really, all things considered, it’s going very well.  But the transition from working 40 hours a week to being home with the whole blam dam family has been a struggle for me.  Honestly, it most likely would’ve been a struggle even if things had gone as planned and I was here alone.

So, it’s perhaps quarantine related, or more likely would’ve been utterly predictable sans COVID-19; but I cannot for the life of me get myself into any sort of routine.  Those projects I had in mind are all still waiting for me, and there’s nothing stopping me from tackling them; but I cannot seem to get going.  Napping and reading.  Those are the only things I’m accomplishing consistently.

I suppose this all reeks of a depressive episode.  Or perhaps it’s grief, as I’ve seen headlines telling me it certainly could be.  I have no idea.  These days feel nowhere near as heavy as those of Winter 2018-2019 did.  And yet, I’m tired and utterly unproductive.  And having trouble giving a shit about either of those conditions.

Like pretty much all the others, there is no point to this post.  I am, ultimately, fine.  Perhaps lazy is the term I’ve avoiding.  I dunno.  But I’m scheduled to go to the office tomorrow, and could not possibly be more grateful to not have to feel cruddy about not cleaning a closet.

Be Well, Friends.

 

 

 

 

I bought this camera

…to take pictures of my love.

Now that he’s gone, I don’t have anybody to take pictures of.

Lake Street Dive anyone?

The song’s been running through my head, but the lyrics are a bit different in my mind.  More along the lines of I bought this camera, to take pictures of my kids, now that we’re sheltered in place, I don’t have any soccer to take pictures of.

I know.  It doesn’t exactly fit, syllabically or otherwise.  Just go with it.

Yesterday I noticed blooming flowers and decided I should get the camera out.  I was never particularly good at photography, and oddly enough, not picking up a camera (other than my phone, of course) hasn’t exactly honed my skills. I’m resolving to take more pictures in the coming days.  Prepare to be wowed, because our lives are positively riveting these days.  Errr, something like that.  I predict lots of photos of flowers, leaves, and singular blades of grass and other riveting things.

My day’s been largely unproductive.  Sabbath-y, I guess.  I gathered with a group of other parents of teens from church after online worship this morning. We shared highs and lows and there were definitely some common themes:  on some level it’s nice to slow down,  kids are cooking a lot, families are actually spending time together.  But we’re all sad for what our kids are missing, and worried about what the lasting impact of all this weirdness is going to look like.  Both within our families and for the world as a whole.  Uncertainties piled on top of uncertainties with a side of a whole lot of unknown.  And yet, even though a lot of the discussion centered around concern, there was comfort for me in spending an hour with kind, compassionate souls willing to be real with one another.  We ended by singing an early happy birthday to Dawn.  It was horrendous, but delivered with love.

Screen Shot 2020-04-26 at 11.18.11 AM

Be Well, Friends.

Bless Me Father, For I Have Sinned

Perhaps (ok, fine, definitely), I am not using the phrase correctly and disparaging Catholicism with my feeble attempt at humor.  But I frequently feel I’m baring my soul and claiming myself a deviant when I tell folks this one true fact about me:  I do not like the music of Florence + the Machine.

I don’t know why.  All the algorithms say I should enjoy it.  I simply do not.

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Earlier this week I started the 30-Day Song Challenge after seeing a handful of folks doing it on the Book of Face.  I breezed through days 1-3, making selections by doing a quick scan of my Liked Songs on Spotify. Quick might not be the best word, as my liked songs list is not a short one, but it wasn’t hard to come up with good options.

Day 1:  A song you like with a color in the title.  I went with Joseph’s White Flag.  This does not require much explanation.  White is a color.  I really, really enjoy this song.  And my enjoyment of this song could likely be described as ironic.  Because, as my husband frequently points out when it’s playing, it really reeks of Florence and her machine.  Which is why I started this post with a confession of sorts.

Day 2:  A song you like with a number in the title.  I am Minnesotan.  Minnesotans love Prince, and the past week marked four years since his death.  So 7 was a no-brainer.

Day 3:  A song that reminds you of summertime.  Ahhh.  Summertime.  I love summer even more than I dislike Florence.  I went with This Girl.  And I had to text Elise to find out the name of the song.

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This choice was not as obvious.  My family has been fortunate to enjoy extensive travels.  And in 2016 we spent a few days in Italy on our way to Croatia.  This song was playing every time we got in the car.  Every time we were anywhere where music happened to be playing.  Once you’ve heard it 200 times, it becomes very catchy.  Music’s funny that way, ya know?!

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Anyhoo, This Girl will always make me think fondly of summer.

Today, Day 4: A song that reminds you of someone you’d like to forget.

Oh goodness, that one is going to require some thought.  I don’t really plan to blog about all my song choices, so I can’t promise an explanation when I finally make a pick.  I have no doubt this breaks your heart, because you’re really longing to see into this particular window into my soul.  Too bad, so sad.  😉

I’ve received many lovely comments in response to last night’s post and I am grateful.  Today, indeed, does feel better.  Lighter, kinder, less daunting.  Of course, it’s not even 9 a.m. yet, so.

Today’s post, completely irrelevant to anything, is brought to you by Day 29 of Minnesota Shelter in Place.  And Coffee.

Be Well, Friends.

 

 

 

Hoping Tomorrow Will Feel a Little Better

A day or two ago (again, who the hell knows), I think I said something to the effect of ‘I fancy myself as handling this whole quarantine thing fairly well.’

Today I feel like that was very possibly the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever said.

There was absolutely nothing for me to complain about today.  Weather was nice, I spent the day at the office (and it was really damn nice to be out of the house), I came home, we had pizza for dinner, I had a video chat with a couple of friends, Chris and I said hello to a couple of neighbors (in an appropriate social distancing manner).

Everything is fine.

And yet…

I have not felt a lot of love for today.  It has felt heavy and sad.  There is nothing original to be said in this regard.  My heart hurts for the grandparents who cannot hug their grandchildren.  And for the high school and college seniors who are being denied so many traditional rites of passage.  And for those who live alone.  And those who are ill, either with COVID or cancer or heart disease or arthritis or whatever.  And all the essential workers living with so much stress and fear in these days.  And, and, and.

Heavy and sad.  It all just feels heavy and sad.

Taking my heavy, sad ass to bed and hoping tomorrow will feel a little better.

Be Well, Friends.

 

Minnesota school buildings are officially closed for the remainder of the school year. Distance learning from here on out. I think everyone had predicted this, but it’s still a bit jarring to get the official word. I’ve developed some odd rash (is this some middle age bullshit– my skin is losing it’s damn mind of late) on both arm joints, which I’m now realizing I don’t know the exact name for.  We had quiche for dinner with a side of queso (more homework for world foods class).  I cleaned the bathroom.  

Essentially, life is really REALLY exciting around here.  I once again do not have much to say, so back to media.

Gavin & Stacey

I’m actually revisiting this one.  Chris and I watched season one, but it was a LONG time ago.  We loved it, but at the time, there were no more seasons available to stream, so it fell off our radar.  There are now four seasons, so I’m rewatching season one in preparation for watching the rest.  

It’s adorbs.  British sitcom with James Cordon before Carpool Karaoke.  Man and woman meet via phone, as part of their jobs, chat for six months; then schedule an in-person meeting and fall head over heels in love.  I have to turn on subtitles, because apparently I’m 189 years old and cannot hear well enough to comprehend a foreign accent, but other than making me feel antique, I very much enjoy it.  

Amazon.com: Gavin and Stacey: Season 1: Mathew Horne, Joanna Page ...

That’s all I got for tonight kids.  Today was fine.  Weather was nice,  daughter had a small breakdown over missing soccer.  Life is weird.  And eventful.  And boring.  

Be Well, Friends.

Chicanery

In a very determined effort to avoid tasks I actually should have been doing this morning, I tidied what usually serves as our weekly schedule and general catchall for graduation announcements, wedding invitations, photos, and other miscellany. Taking inspiration from a Facebook friend from my elementary and middle school days (Hi Cathy!), I decided to give it a COVID focus. Mine is slightly more political than hers. Go figure.

Anyhoo, I thought it needed some quotes from 45, the pecker nugget in chief, and those quotes needed a headline of sorts. Did you by any chance know a thesaurus is my most favoritest reference tool? Well, now ya do. With the goal being something to make a snappy alliteration with COVID, I started looking for synonyms for lies starting with a hard C sound. Searching ‘lies’ got me nowhere. Searching ‘dishonesty’ got me chicanery. Which admittedly does not provide the desired alliteration, but DAMN if it isn’t an effective term for what I was trying to describe.

Didn’t DJT once claim to have the best words? Or was it the best people? Who the hell knows? But I’ll bet dollars to donuts he doesn’t know what chicanery means. Which I would call ironic. But whatevs.

Despite what may or may not come across in my writing, I fancy myself as dealing with this quarantine business fairly well. Yes, I get annoyed and complain. A lot. But this is not a COVID specific phenomenon for me. I love not using my car on a daily basis. I do not miss the morning hullabaloo of getting everyone out the door. I refuse to stress about distance learning, as I know all involved are doing the best they can. I do not get bent out of shape when the robot lady calls to tell me my kid hasn’t turned in what she was supposed to in order to not be marked absent for the day. Is she going to be labeled truant? Maybe. Is it going to meaningfully affect her future? NOPE. I have zero idea what this period of time is going to look like on my kids’ transcripts. But I know any higher education institution who is going to base its decisions about admissions or aid on this semester will not have the privilege of having my kid as a student. I think I share this attitude with exactly 0.0000001% of other parents in my district, for what it’s worth.

In many respects, my family needed this slow down; and I am not completely mad at it.

However.

My frame of mind was pretty shitty this morning. I was frustrated about a lot of little things. I wanted to go back to bed after my second cup of coffee. After writing some snarky stuff on my board and a little outside run with my daughter, I’m happy to report I’m feeling much better. I have no idea what to make for supper though.

Highs and lows. Like everything else in life, quarantine is all about highs and lows.

Be Well, Friends.

Net-Hu-Azon

Today I worked from 10-5, picked up dinner on my way home, and am now sitting in front of my laptop in my jammies. It is 6:09pm. I have nothing new or clever to say, no Elise tiktok videos to make you laugh, no deep thoughts about quarantine.

Which I suppose makes this as good a time as any to tell you about some of the media I’ve been streaming of late. I am neither a media critic nor a qualified reviewer, so you’ll have to place this info in the for what it’s worth category (not much, friends, it ain’t worth much).

Just Mercy

You might enjoy white privilege if… it takes you over a month to read a book because you have to take frequent breaks due to the emotional intensity of the subject matter.

That would be me. I read the book a few years ago, and visited The Legacy Museum and The Memorial for Truth and Justice, both now part of The Equal Justice Initiative, last spring. I had looked forward to seeing this movie since it was released. It did not disappoint. You should watch it. EVERYBODY should watch it.

I am neither a media critic nor a qualified reviewer.

Virgin River

Virgin River: Season 1 - Rotten Tomatoes

I’m committed to telling the truth here. So I’m truthfully telling you this series is CRAP. It’s crap I couldn’t turn away from, though. I watched the whole season in a weekend, I think. And will be all in for season two. If you’re looking for something you’ll like but don’t want to admit you like, this is your winner.

I am neither a media critic nor a qualified reviewer.

Outlander

www.gstatic.com/tv/thumb/tvbanners/16868869/p16...

I think I’m in the middle of season two. Or maybe three. And I’ve read two, or maybe three of the books. I’m meh on both the books and the show. Entertaining, but easy enough for me to walk away from.

I am neither a media critic nor a qualified reviewer.

Scrubs

Scrubs - Series | Comedy Central Official Site | CC.com

Re-watching. It’s every bit as good as I remember.

I am neither a media critic nor a qualified reviewer.

Letterkenney

www.gstatic.com/tv/thumb/tvbanners/17757711/p17...

So odd. So funny. I’m not sure I’d appreciate this if I hadn’t lived in the upper midwest for the past 19 years.

I am neither a media critic nor a… you get the picture.

Unorthodox

Unorthodox | Netflix - AVS Forum | Home Theater Discussions And ...

GASP. So damn good. So, so, so, so damn good.

This is an incomplete list, and it is in no particular ofder, but I gotta go watch TV now. More to come on this topic. What are you watching these days?

Be Well, Friends.